I was researching on YouTube to refer someone to a Master Kundalini instructor and came across this video of my beloved teacher, Krishna Kaur. Now, I knew her deep love and connection to her Beloved Teacher and Guru Yogi Bhajan. I also knew how he pushed her forward, but hearing about it in this video brought back my own memories and feelings of my connection with her. See her beautiful story here. https://youtu.be/IOy-v23c9lc
Get some popcorn this may get long, but worth it… lol. This is about rising through our perceived fears and limitations. The shit we think is real.
I began Kundalini Yoga doing Sadhana with Krishna Kaur in her home at 4:30-5:00am in the morning. I didn’t do regular Kundalini yoga classes, I preferred Morning Sadhana. When I began yoga I could not even touch my toes, my back was out and I was in major pain from lugging that all wood massage table to clients’ homes, up and down stairs and long hallways. I couldn’t even sit in lotus position on the floor! I was in some serious pain, plus sitting all day as a litigation paralegal and secretary typing at the speed of light with court deadlines and litigation attorneys’ motions, discovery and written brief madness! This was in 2000-2001 or so. I loved the quiet, the meditative, the breath of Kundalini yoga and this is why I preferred morning Sadhana. Sadhana is spiritual devotional daily practice, arising in the early ambrosia hours when the world is quiet and peaceful, and meeting your Divine, face to face, through Kundalini Yoga Kriyas, chanting, prayer and meditation. My soul was on Fire and in love with this new self-discovery. I attended Sadhana mostly every morning in my teacher’s home, sitting in a chair when it was time to chant because I could not sit on the floor for longer than 5 minutes before I was in pain. After many months of this, I got stronger and stronger, but I continued to sit in the chair when it was time to chant after doing our Yoga Kriya set. Why? Because it felt good and I was comfortable. I probably had been going to Krishna’s home for about 5-6 months. Then one morning, as we were facing East, and I was getting ready to flop my butt back into that big white comfy chair of hers to begin chanting, she said to me, “it’s time you sat on the floor.” I was like, “Damn! No she didn’t just call me out like that. How did she know I was feeling better, and that I was milking sitting in the big puffy white comfy chair’s cushions?” I didn’t like that. But, I moved my ass and attitude to the floor behind her and sat through the entire 62 minutes of chanting on that floor with a little thin pillow under my behind. Ugggh! My ego monkey mind was no where near tamed in those days! Five minutes into chanting I was fidgeting away. Legs numb, ankles numb, feet numb, eyes rolling. Legs straight, legs bent, legs straight, legs bent over and over. All this was going on and I’m still trying to learn the chants, flicking my flashlight on and off so that I could read the chants and learn the words to the Aquarian Age Sadhana. https://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/sadhana/aquarian-sadhana
Another few months go by and its Fall 2000, I believe, and Krishna’s Kundalini’s Teacher Training Program began. (I missed that training and took it the following year). I’m still going to Sadhana and now I’m used to the floor and my back is all healed up. Then one morning after Sadhana, she looks at me and said, “I heard to have you lead morning Sadhana every day for 1 year!” I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. Inside my head I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO this is too much! You know that Emoji with the big bucked eyes? That was me. Then she says, “But, instead, you will lead Sadhana everyday for three months!” I swear I heard Yogi Bhajan’s voice come through her mouth. (He scared me!) In her video above, she was teaching and schooling me with love as he had done with her. (I didn’t know this at the time.) My heart was beating so fast, I was paralyzed with fear. I wanted to cry right on the spot. She then opened her arms to me and motioned me to come into her embrace. I did. She wrapped me into arms with her morning shawl and began saying you can do this, you are ready. I barely remember what she said because my heart was loudly pounding in my ears. I was scared to death! She was comforting me and all I wanted to do was run away from her. She knew this too! That’s why she opened her arms to me. She went onto say that you will start tomorrow and lead Sadhana for the Teacher training students. Now, some of them were coming to Sadhana anyway. I left her home that morning so upset and overwhelmed. I had made up my mind that I would not going to show up for Sadhana in the morning. I was not going, Nope, not me! I’m calling in to Sadhana sick! Yep, I’ll show her. She can’t just force me to lead Sadhana, who does she think she is? I’m not ready!!! blau, blau, blau, blau, blau!!!!
The next morning, I woke on time, I laid in bed, I fiddled and diddled whatever. I’m not going, I’m not going. Well, I’ll go, but I’ll be so late and she or someone else will have to lead Sadhana. I had not missed a Sadhana in weeks, probably months, but that was my own choice! I drove down the 10 Fwy East at 4:45 in the morning at 40 mph. Sadhana started at 5am during that time. I got there at 5:30am. I walked in the room everyone was sitting in their places all 10 people or so! And she was the 11th person, sitting with all of them in a half circle. The spot at the head of the class for the teacher was empty!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Heart pounding!!!! Sweaty!!!! I feel faint!!! I need oxygen!! I needed the floor to open up and I prayed to fall in and be covered up. Then out of no where, one of the students jumps up from the floor and runs over to hug me! Screaming Angela! OMG! Sis, you’re leading Sadhana, how wonderful…. or some such nonsense. It was my beloved sister friend and fellow Agape Spiritual Practitioner, Nawili Grey! Her hug brought me back into my body and kept me from passing out right then and there on the floor. She saved my life. I walked to the head of the class, took my seat, swallowed the biggest gulp of fear ever, Krishna nodded her head in deep love and silent greeting to me (I saw no judgment or anger in her eyes, only love). I brought my hands into prayer pose, at my heart center and I lead the class in tuning in with the Adi Mantra. After Sadhana that day, classmates were coming up to me and asking me what Kriya set was that? What’s the name of that Kriya? I was like, Kriya? What’s a Kriya? I did not know what a Kriya set was, I had lead morning Sadhana from memory of what I watched Krishna do each morning. Now mind you, she did different Kriyas everyday or sometimes one Kriya two days in a row. I cut and spliced from memory. And… ended the Kriya in about 50 minutes and begin the chanting. Krishna knew that Sadhana was ingrained in me, I didn’t know that. I even knew Rakhay Rakhanahaar by heart! And some of y’all know how hard that is! You can listen to the chant here: https://youtu.be/8mWyRNTLtUE
I continued to lead morning Sadhana every morning for the next 4 months straight. I did not miss one day. I was deep in Seva mode and I prepared the Sadhana space for my fellow students and my Guru with humility and an open heart. It was not easy. But day by day, I shed more and more of my ego monkey mind and even learned to embrace my cold showers!
Watching that YouTube video of her today, brought back all of these memories for me. Yogi Bhajan called her out over and over in her life as well. “Go teach your people,” he said to her. She must have felt nervous and scared too. It’s hard to believe that someone else, especially our Guru/Teacher, could ever have been as nervous about teaching. I am sure she had her moments. It’s human nature to want to feel and be comfortable all the time. I liked being comfortable! All that pushing me forward was because my teacher loved me, she loved me. She saw my potential, my greatness. I am so deeply grateful for her presence in my life. To this day, I hear her voice in my head, “Keep UP!” Thank you Krishna!! I love you too. It’s time for another leap forward in my life, but I am my own inner Guru, and have been for a long time now. This time, I make the choices willingly for myself and without all that pain, resistance and drama…. lol. It’s time for me to re-commit.
This Kundalini yoga philosophy lead me into living my life’s purpose of becoming a doula, prenatal yoga instructor, prenatal massage therapist and more.
Anyone else feeling the need to leap forward, up and out in their own life? We can do this people! Ready… Set… LEAP!!!
Develop your own spiritual practice, commit to it with clear open hearted intention and watch the world open up to you/us!