I Forgive Me, I am ready for My Change….
into Motherhood, Parenthood
Some years ago while on a birth with a client, I had played this song by Tim Mcafee-Lewis, “I Forgive Me.” I had driven to clients’ home in the wee hours of the morning 5:30am. We had a wonderful time throughout the day, we walked, she napped, she drank fluids in between contractions to remain hydrated, we walked some more, bounced on ball, she danced with her husband, he made breakfast for us, napped some more, etc.. Now it was around 3:30ish or so and as I would check in internally to see if baby was okay, I would hear (as I had been hearing all week from this little soul), “I’m good, check with mommy). I would always hear, in my head “I’m good.” So, today, his birthday, I was hearing him say those same words again “I’m Good,” in my head.
Her contractions would start, then stop, then start, be irregular then stop again. I finally decided to heed the little one’s advice. I looked at my client and came up real close to her and said, we need to talk. It is time to go even deeper. (At this point, we are still in her home). Your contractions are stopping and starting with no consistency. I need to see a consistent pattern before we can go to hospital. I asked her, what is on your mind? Do you feel ready? Yes. Are you worried about anything? No. How is your home life? good. How is your relationship with husband? good. Are you ready to see and hold baby? yes. Are you concerned about finances? “Well, yes, but we’re managing.” I looked at her real close. Are you holding shame about something? “Crocodile tears, sprung forth from her eyes.” Truly a beautiful moment for me. She was surprised at her own response. I just said, let it flow, let’s go with this. I asked her to tell me the source of the tears and what the shame is. She spilled it out, all of it. I wanted to hear it all and she gave it up. I asked if she had told her husband, she had not. I said, okay, I’m going to get him now and I want you to tell him everything you just told me and don’t hold anything back. And… while you’re talking with him, I want you to play this song “I Forgive Me”) 5 times as you tell him, then sit and listen to it when you’re done talking.
She did as I asked, and 50 minutes later, her husband came out of bedroom. I asked how are things, he said good and are the contractions coming more regularly, he said yes, they are now 5-7 minutes a part. He went on back outside and continued “father-nesting” around the house. I went in to attend to her. Now, she was ready to be a mama, now that she had given birth to herself, she was ready to birth forth her baby. From that point on, things were up and moving…. within an hour or so, we were hauling a_ _ out the front door, backed-out-of-driveway, down the street and heading north on the 405 freeway!
As a doula, I have to listen and be in tune to the Infinite Intelligence that is God as me, my Higher Consciousness, God Consciousness. I have to listen closely and be obedient. I felt the presence of the “Holy Spirit” fall upon and emerge from within me and my client that day. I felt so light, so aligned. We had no choice but to be within one another in the purity and rawness of the moment and her emotions. Her husband, an absolute “light being and devoted man” himself was right there the whole time, loving her, forgiving her, kissing her, nurturing her, holding love and joy for his beloved son. It was an absolute joy to be with this couple. My heart fills with love just writing this now and this birth was years ago.
To Tim Mcafee-Lewis, thank you for your music, so healing, so God-filled, Love-filled, Light-filled – You and your music are a Treasure! Thank you! My client birthed into motherhood listening to your music!